Frequently Asked Questions

Greetings to those of you with enough intellectual integrity and life-force energy to have come this far in their pursuit of transformative truth and practical job skills.  If you do not find an answer to your question here, contact us at

Why is my refund check taking so long to arrive?
Thanks for asking! We're as frustrated as you are. Our refund system is in the midst of a transformation process which will make it among the most efficient in the world! But a note of warning to those of you who are likewise inspired to seek the best information systems technology available -- you are very likely to run into government interference at both the state, local, and even federal level, including Homeland Security and even the FBI. At least that's been our experience. Our digital routing system, designed to speed your money back to those of you who have met our generous refund requirements, has put a scare into some folks who don't want the power of open, free radically integrated knowledge modalities to be spread without restriction, and once they get ahold of your digi-check, it's a pain in the neck for us to get it back. Our Legal Defense Department is already strained, but rest assured that we are all working hard to get you your money, because trust is a commodity whose value never erodes. Also, discounts may be available for cash up front.

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Why have you made your Online Learning Series available for free, when other institutes of your caliber often charge for instruction of this quality?
We join MIT, Stanford, Oxford and other peer institutions in our desire to share the world-class knowledge of our faculty with the world at large, knowing that it will not only benefit all of humanity in some small way, but will also encourage the embers of transformational potential in students who will eventually have the courage to enroll in the Institute. Current gray areas in the law regarding the licensing of educational enterprises in California may also allow for tax benefits based on the number of minority students served and we consider service via our Online Learning Systems to be every bit as real as any student who may or may not actually be attending classes at UCLA or any number of other elite establishment enclaves awash with government money we are denied from receiving. Please, enjoy this service and tell your friends!

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I was hoping to order a "Dr. Stephen Weeks Calendar" again this year, but I don't see it listed yet in the Campus Bookstore section? What's going on?
Demand for this incredibly popular item has been somewhat overwhelming, which has led to some complex dynamics at the Institute. The original Weeks Calendar was intended as a non-profit fundraising effort to benefit the Airborne Illness Initiative at the Experiment Shed, and in fact a great deal of money was raised for that program, just as its validity as a tax-exempt subsidiary of the Institute was called into question by a malicious Deputy District Attorney who has a vendetta against the SFVLSI because his niece was steered into our Remedial Program by Institute diagnostic testing. The money went into a legal limbo and as another year approached, a fly-by-night operation with NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER to the SFVLSI decided to market a completely bootlegged Weeks Calendar of greatly inferior quality. Unfortunately, this fooled a lot of people, and once again costly legal action was necessary. Meanwhile, our department of Imageristics holds a number of images (in the tens of thousands) of Dr. Weeks at work in Institute capacities, all of which have free perpetual use license granted under our standard faculty waiver provisions and are calendar-grade, but now this usage right is being challenged by a separately incorporated holding company ("Weeks Works") established not by Dr. Weeks but by his cousins, who had no calendar business experience at all before deciding they might make a buck off what was initially envisioned as a charity fundraising item! Unbelievable. We'll try to get the new Dr. Stephen Weeks Calendar out as soon as possible. It promises to be a good one again this year.

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Your schedule is somewhat confusing. How do I find out exactly when classes begin and how your payment schedule works?
Yes, we admit our unorthodox way of organizing our classes, workshops and outreach programs can be difficult to grasp at first. It’s based on the Mayan calendar, which thankfully is in the public domain. Once you adjust for the change in epochs that occurred shortly after what we commonly refer to as the American Civil War, you’ll find the conversion grids (downloadable at many convenient sites) will work perfectly. After you begin attending classes, you’ll also learn why we say “On time means five minutes early!” Punctuality is a form of functionality. And relax, you have a two-week grace period, always.

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The San Fernando Valley Life Studies Institute sounds almost too good to be true. How can you offer all those world-class educational services at a cost that the average student can afford?
Of course we sound too good to be true -- the truth often does. Our affordable excellence stems from the commitment of our faculty and staff to place the education of their students before their own personal desires for money, prestige, comfort, or, in many cases, personal safety. They know they won’t be taking any of their material goods with them when they die, so they’ve got their priorities straight. We also buy in bulk whenever possible, and compost and re-use nearly everything at the Institute. Even ancient wisdom. Remember, virtues don’t cost you anything, but failing to cultivate them could cost you everything.

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The Chairman of the Institute’s influential Whole-Body Lecture-Performance Department, Preston Maxley, seems to be everywhere all the time. I have seen him in several recent news features, sometimes with fairly important public figures. How does he keep his apparently superhuman schedule?
This is one of dozens of questions we’ve received about Dr. Maxley and the astonishing multitude of activities, speaking engagements, research projects and teaching experiences that he engages in every year. All we can say is, you’ve got to meet him to understand. Dropping all concern for what others may think about him may have streamlined much of the useless dross from his schedule. He never goes clothes-shopping for himself, for example. He simply wears the clothes that present themselves.

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Why is the parking situation so simple and easy at the SFVLSI while parking at such westside institutions as, for example, UCLA, is an horrific and costly nightmare?
We're not sure why the cash-rich status quo gang in charge of the publicly funded Mega-School in the land of gridlock can't seem to make things easier for their students, but you won't find us guilty of the same behavior here. We care about our students, and want them to have the very best parking, the kind at present you can only find in the remarkable San Fernando Valley, cultural and intellectual capital of Los Angeles.

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Can I pay cash for the classes I’ve enrolled in?
Not only can you, you might greatly benefit from doing so. Although we are happy to accept plastic, we are also one of the last bastions of the cash transaction for graduate-level education. The barter system is also alive and well at the Institute. Contact the Financial Aid Office for details or to describe what you have in mind. You might be amazed at how open-minded we are. Even though it was quickly closed down, we basically broke even on our petting zoo and still cherish the endeavor likely as much as Dorothy Luiza values the fully accredited fall semester credits she received in Bio Statistics. Possibilities bloom at the Institute.

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Remember, no question is too dumb for our automated servers to process.


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